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Rhymes
EnchantedLearning.com
Jokes and Riddles for Kids

Pick a topic and read all the hilarious, corny jokes you'll ever need.
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K-3 Themes
All Body Circus Clothes Colors Doctor and Dentist Farm Food House Knock-Knock Jokes Math Monster Money Music Pirate Plants School Space Sports Time USA Vehicle Weather Misc.
All Animals Bear Bird Bug and Insect Cat Chicken Cow Dinosaur Dog Duck Egg Elephant Fish Frog Horse Monkey Mouse Owl Penguin Pig Rabbit Snake Turkey Misc. Animals
All Holiday Jokes Halloween St. Patrick's Day Thanksgiving

All Jokes and Riddles for Kids

Animal Jokes

Bear Jokes:
What color socks do bears wear?
(They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)

What to polar bears eat for lunch?
(Ice berg-ers!)

What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
(A drizzly bear!)

What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?
(A panda bear rolling down a hill!)

What is black and white and red all over?
(A panda bear with a sunburn!)

Why do bears have fur coats?
(Because they look silly wearing jackets!)

What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
(A bear-faced lyre!)

What do you call bears with no ears?
(B!)

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
(A gummy bear!)

Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch?
(Because he was stuffed!)

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
(A teddy boar!)

What's white, furry, and shaped like a tooth?
(A molar bear!)

How do teddy bears keep their den cool in summer?
(They use bear conditioning!)

What do teddy bears do when it rains?
(They get wet!)

Bird Jokes:
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
(Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels!)

Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
(Because if he lifted that leg off the ground he would fall down!)

Where does a peacock go when it loses its tail?
(A re-tail store!)

Did you hear the story about the peacock?
(Yes, it's a beautiful tale!)

What is even smarter than a talking bird?
(A spelling bee!)

Why do hummingbirds hum?
(Because they forgot the words!)

What do you give a sick bird?
(Tweetment!)

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
(Because it's too far to walk!)

What birds are found in Portugal?
Portu-geese!)

What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
(The crane!)

What's noisier than a whooping crane?
(A trumpeting swan!)

Did you hear the joke about the broken egg?
(Yes, it cracked me up!)

What bird is with you at every meal?
(A swallow!)

What bird is always sad?
(The blue jay!)

What do you call a bird in the winter?
(Brrr-d!)

Silly boy: I'd like to buy some bird seed.
Clerk: How many birds do you have?
Silly boy: None! I want to grow some!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Kook!
Kook who?
Don't call me cuckoo!

Bug and Insect Jokes:
Two flies are on the porch. Which one is an actor?
(The one on the screen!)

What is the biggest ant in the world?
(An eleph-ant!)

Why was the baby ant confused?
(Because all of his uncles were ants!)

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a honey bee?
(Bah-humbug!)

How do bees get to school?
(By school buzz!)

Why do bees have sticky hair?
(Because they have honeycombs!)

What do you get when you cross a walrus with a bee?
(A wallaby!)

Why did the bee go to the doctor?
(Because she had hives!)

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
(A walkie-talkie!)

How do fleas travel from place to place?
(By itch-hiking!)

What are caterpillars afraid of?
(Doger-pillars!)

What is an insect's favorite sport?
(Cricket!)

Why did the kid throw the butter out the window?
(To see the butter fly!)

Why didn't the butterfly go to the dance?
(Because it was a moth ball!)

Two silk worms were in a race. Who won?
(It was a tie!)

What do you get if you cross a tarantula and a rose?
(I'm not sure, but I wouldn't try smelling it!)

Why are spiders good swimmers?
(They have webbed feet!)

What did the spider say when he broke his new web?
(Darn it!)

Why are frogs so happy?
(Because they eat what bugs them!)

What did one frog say to the other?
(Time's sure fun when you're having flies!)

Why was the mother firefly unhappy?
(Because her children weren't that bright!)

Canary Jokes:
Where does a 500-pound canary sit?
(Anywhere it wants!)

What's yellow, weighs 1,000 pounds, and sings?
(Two 500 pound canaries!)

What did the 500 pound canary say?
(Here Kitty, Kitty!)

What do you get if you cross a canary and a 50-foot long snake?
(A sing-a-long!)

Daughter: Mum, can I have a canary for Christmas?
Mum: NO! You'll have turkey like everyone else.

Cat Jokes:
What is a cat's favorite color?
(Purr-ple!)

What is a cat's favorite song?
(Three Blind Mice!)

Why can't a leopard hide?
(Because it's always spotted!)

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
(Hailing taxis!)

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
(Alley cats!)

What animal cheats at exams?
(The cheetah!)

Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat?
(Cats can't drive!)

What animals are the best pets?
(Cats, because they are purr-fect!)

What did the cat have for breakfast?
(Mice Crispies!)

What are caterpillars afraid of?
(Doger-pillars!)

Is it raining cats and dogs?
(It's okay, as long as it doesn't rein-deer!)

Why did the lion spit out the clown?
(Because he tasted funny!)

What animal is bad to play games with?
(A cheetah!)

What happened when the lion ate the clown?
(He felt funny!)

Is it true that a lion won't attack if you hold a tree branch?
(That depends on how fast you carry it!)

What's the nickname for someone who put her right hand in the mouth of a lion?
(Lefty)

Why didn't the boy believe the tiger?
(He thought it was a lion!)

Why did the leopard wear a striped shirt?
(So she wouldn't be spotted!)

When is it very bad luck to see a black cat?
(When you're a mouse!)

Is it hard to spot a leopard?
(No, they come that way!)

What steps do you take if you a tiger is running towards you?
(Big ones!)

Chicken Jokes:
What does a mixed-up hen lay?
(Scrambled eggs!)

What does an evil hen lay?
(Deviled eggs!)

Where do tough chickens come from?
(Hard-boiled eggs!)

Why did the chicken cross the road?
(To get to the other side!)

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
(It was stuck to the chicken's foot!)

Why did the turkey cross the road?
(It was the chicken's day off!)

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
(To prove he wasn't chicken!)

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
(An eggroll!)

A rooster laid an egg on a barn roof. Which way would it roll?
(Roosters don't lay eggs, hens do!)

Where do you find a chicken with no legs?
(Exactly where you left it!)

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
(Foul weather!)

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
(Cockerpoodledoo!)

Chickens rise when the rooster crows, but when do ducks get up?
(At the quack of dawn!)

Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
(The outside!)

Why do hens lay eggs?
(If they dropped them, they'd break!)

How do chickens bake a cake?
(From scratch!)

Why can't a rooster ever get rich?
(Because he works for chicken feed!)

What's the most musical part of a chicken?
(The drumstick!)

Why did the chicken go to the seance?
(To get to the other side!)

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
(Roost beef!)

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from?
(A poul-tree!)

What's a haunted chicken?
(A poultry-geist!)

What's a henway?
(About 5 pounds!)

Silly girl: Why does your son say, "Cluck, cluck, cluck".
Mrs. Poulet: Because he thinks he's a chicken .
Silly girl: Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?
Mrs. Poulet: Because we need the eggs.

Cow Jokes:
What do you get from a pampered cow?
(Spoiled milk!)

What do you call a cow with two legs?
(Lean beef!)

What do you call a cow with no legs?
(Ground beef!)

Where do cows go for entertainment?
(To the moo-vies!)

What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?
(An animal that can milk itself!)

What is a cow's favorite day?
(Moo-years Day!)

What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
(An udder failure!)

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cow?
(Roost beef!)

What happened to the lost cattle?
(Nobody's herd!)

Why can't you shock cows?
(They've herd it all!)

Have you heard about the cow astronaut?
(He landed on the moooon!)

Why did the cow cross the road?
(To get to the udder side!)

Why do cows wear bells?
(Their horns don't work!)

What do you get when you cross a cow and a goat?
(A coat!)

What do you call a sleeping bull?
(A bull-dozer!)

What do you call a grumpy cow?
(Moo-dy!)

What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
(Laughing stock!)

What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
(A Moo-sician!)

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cowsgo
Cowsgo who?
No they don't, cows-go moo.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow wh...
Moo!

Deer Jokes:
Why do male deer need braces?
(Because they have buck teeth!)

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?
(Bamboo!)

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
(No idea!)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
(Still no idea!)

Dinosaur Jokes:
What does a triceratops sit on?
(Its tricera-bottom!)

What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
(A dino-snore!)

Why did the Archaeopteryx catch the worm?
(Because it was an early bird!)

What was T. rex's favorite number?
(Eight!)

Why did the dinosaur get in the bed?
(Because he was tired!)

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
(It was the chicken's day off!)

Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible dinosaur in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell her I can't see her!

What do you call a fossil that doesn't ever want to work?
(Lazy bones!)

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
(Tyrannosaurus wrecks!)

What did the dinosaur say after the car crash?
(I'm-so-saurus!)

What do you call it when a dinosaur makes a goal with a soccer ball?
(A dino-score!)

What do you call a plated dinosaur when he is asleep?
(Stegosnorus!)

What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks?
(A dinobore!)

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
(Do-ya-think-he-saw-us!)

What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur?
(Long distance!)

Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum?
(Because they can't afford new ones!)

What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur?
(Hello, hello!)

Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch?
(That depends on how fast you carry it!)

Bob: I wish I had enough money to buy a dinosaur.
Donald: What would you do with a dinosaur?
Bob: Who wants a dinosaur? I just want the money!

Sue: I lost my pet dinosaur .
Jake: Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?
Sue: What good would that do, she can't read!

What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor?
(Dino-sore!)

Why did the dinosaurs go extinct?
(Because they wouldn't take a bath!)

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
(The chicken hadn't evolved yet!)

What makes more noise than a dinosaur?
(Two dinosaurs!)

What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears?
(Anything you want, it can't hear you!)

What's better than a talking dinosaur?
(A spelling bee!)

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
(Try-Try-Try-ceratops!)

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
(Tyrannosaurus wrecks!)

Which dinosaur slept all day?
(The dino-snore!)

What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots?
(Tyrannosaurus tex!)

What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?
(A Bronco-saurus!)

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
(Dino-mite!)

When can three giant dinosaurs get under one umbrella and not get wet?
(When it's not raining!)

Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house?
(Any kind! A house can't jump!)

What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth?
(A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!)

What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur?
(Cheer him up!)

Why don't dinosaurs ever forget?
(Because no one ever tells them anything!)

What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat?
(Anything she wants!)

What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus?
(The strawberry is red!)

Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red?
(So she could hide in the strawberry patch!)

What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch?
(Strawberry jam!)

Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed?
(Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!)

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed?
(Find somewhere else to sleep!)

Did the dinosaur take a bath?
(Why, is there one missing?!)

How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
(Down in the mouth!)

What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks?
(More than the dinosaur!)

Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down?
(In the dark!)

Why didn't the dinosaur cross the road?
(There weren't any roads then!)

What is in the middle of dinosaurs?
(The letter "s"!)

Where do dinosaurs get their mail?
(At the dead-letter office!)

What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing?
(Her shadow!)

What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes?
(Out of the way!)

How do you know if there's a dinosaur in your refrigerator?
(Look for footprints in the pizza!)

What happened when the dinosaur took the train home?
(She had to bring it back!)

Mitchell: Why did the Triceratops cross the road?
Robert: He didn't, the chicken crossed the road.
Mitchell: Well, why did the chicken cross the road?
Robert: To get away from the Triceratops!

How do you know if there's a dinosaur under your bed?
(Your nose hits the ceiling!)

Why was the dinosaur afraid of the ocean?
(Because there was something fishy about it!)

What do you call a dinosaur with one leg?
(Eileen!)

Mother: Why are you crying?
Daughter: Because I wanted to get a dinosaur for my baby brother.
Mother: That's no reason to cry.
Daughter: Yes it is! No one would trade me!

What was the scariest prehistoric animal?
(The Terror-dactyl!)

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
(A Stegosaurus on roller skates!)

What do you call it when a dinosaur slides in to home plate?
(A dinoscore!)

What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo?
(A Tricera-hops!)

What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur?
(Jurassic Pork!)

What family does T. rex belong to?
(I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!)

What made the dinosaur's car stop?
(A flat Tire-annosaurus!)

What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain?
(A Stegosau-rust!)

What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use?
(A dino-saw!)

Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes?
(A dino-sewer!)

Which dinosaurs were the best policemen?
(Tricera-cops!)

What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress?
(Rep. Tile!)

Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation?
(To the dino-shore!)

Where did Velociraptor buy things?
(At a dino-store!)

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
(With Tyrannosaurus checks!)

Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory?
(Because she was a plant eater!)

What is an Iguanodon's favorite playground toy?
(A dino-see-saur!)

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
(A Diplodocus with a sore throat!)

How much fur can you get from a dinosaur?
(As fur as you can get!)

Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat?
(Because they don't know how to cook!)

What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had?
(Baby dinosaurs!)

How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box?
(One. After that, the box isn't empty anymore!)

How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator?
(The door won't close!)

How do you make a dinosaur float?
(Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!)

Dog Jokes:
What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and a collie?
(A dog who bites you, and then goes for help!)

What animal keeps the best time?
(A watch dog!)

When is a dog not a dog?
(When it is pure bred/bread!)

Why don't dogs make good dancers?
(Because they have two left feet!)

What dog loves to take bubble baths?
(A shampoodle!)

What type of markets do dogs avoid?
(Flea markets!)

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
(Because it scares their guide dog!)

Why did the dachshund bite the woman's ankle?
(Because he couldn't reach any higher!)

Why did the snowman call his dog "Frost"?
(Because Frost-bites!)

Why do you need a license for a dog and not for a cat?
(Cats can't drive!)

What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
(A dingo-ling!)

How do you catch a runaway dog?
(Make a noise like a bone!)

When is a black dog not a black dog?
(When it's a greyhound!)

What do you call young dogs who play in the snow?
(Slush puppies!)

Why do dogs run in circles?
(Because it's too hard to run in squares!)

What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
(Dingo Starr!)

Why do you get if you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
(A hot-diggity-dog!)

What do you call a black Alaskan dog?
(A dusky husky!)

What do you call a great dog detective?
(Sherlock Bones!)

Why is a tree like a big dog?
(They both have lot of bark!)

What are caterpillars afraid of?
(Doger-pillars!)

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

How do fleas travel from place to place?
(By itch-hiking?)

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
(You might step in a poodle!)

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
(Ruff!)

What did one flea say to the other?
(Should we walk or take a dog?)

What do you call a dog that is left handed?
(A south paw!)

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
(Hailing taxis!)

What do you get if you cross a dog and an airplane?
(A jet setter!)

What do dogs have that no other animals have?
(Puppies!)

Where do Eskimos train their dogs?
(In the mush room!)

What breed of dog does Dracula have?
(A bloodhound!)

What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
(Two dogs barking outside your window!)

What do you call a happy Lassie?
(A jolly collie!)

What kind of dog likes to smell flowers?
(A bud hound)

What do you call a dog with no legs?
(It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!)

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
(Cockerpoodledoo!)

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
(A croaker spaniel!)

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
(Terrier-fied!)

When does a dog go "moo"?
(When it is learning a new language!)

What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
(It barked with de-light!)

What do dogs eat at the movies?
(Pup-corn!)

What is a dog's favorite dessert?
(Pup-cakes!)

Is it raining cats and dogs?
(It's okay, as long as it doesn't rein-deer!)

Did you hear about the dog that gave birth to puppies at the side of the road?
(She got a ticket for littering!)

In the winter my dog wears his coat. In the summer he wears his coat and pants!

Duck Jokes:
What does a duck like to eat with soup?
(Quackers!)

What geometric figure is like a lost parrot?
(A polygon!)

What happens when a duck flies upside down?
(It quacks up!)

What did the duck say after he went shopping?
(Put it on my bill!)

What do you call a crate of ducks?
(A box of quackers!)

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
(Foul weather!)

How do you get down off an elephant?
(You don't, you get down off a duck!)

When a duck has no money, what does it tell the waiter?
(Put it on my bill!)

Which animal grows down?
(A duck!)

What's the difference between a duck with one wing and a duck with two wings?
(Why, that's a difference of a pinion!)

Who stole the soap?
(The robber ducky!)

What do ducks watch on TV?
(Duckumentaries!)

Chickens rise when the rooster crows, but when do ducks get up?
(At the quack of dawn!)

Egg Jokes:
What does a mixed-up hen lay?
(Scrambled eggs!)

What does an evil hen lay?
(Deviled eggs!)

Where do tough chickens come from?
(Hard-boiled eggs!)

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
(An eggroll!)

A rooster laid an egg on a barn roof. Which way would it roll?
(Roosters don't lay eggs, hens do!)

Why do hens lay eggs?
(If they dropped them, they'd break!)

Did you hear the joke about the broken egg?
(Yes, it cracked me up!)

Where do you get frogs' eggs?
(At the spawn shop!)

Silly girl: Why does your son say, "Cluck, cluck, cluck"?
Mrs. Poulet: Because he thinks he's a chicken.
Silly girl: Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?
Mrs. Poulet: Because we need the eggs.

Elephant Jokes:
How do elephants talk to each other long distance?
(On the elephone!)

What do you do when you find a blue elephant?
(Cheer her up!)

What time is it when you find an elephant in your car?
(Time to get a new car!)

How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
(Your head hits the ceiling!)

What time is it when 10 elephants are chasing you?
(Ten to one!)

How do you stop an elephant from charging?
(Take away her credit card!)

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
(Swimming trunks!)

What's an elephant's favorite vegetable?
(Squash!)

Why are elephants so poor?
(Because they work for peanuts!)

What is the biggest ant in the world?
(An elephant!)

What does a doctor give an elephant who's going to be sick?
(Plenty of room!)

What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?
(An umbrellaphant!)

What do you do with a green elephant?
(Wait till it ripens!)

How do you get down off an elephant?
(You don't, you get down off a duck!)

What game do you NOT want to play with an elephant?
(Squash!)

What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
(You get out of the way!)

How do you know if there is a elephant in your refrigerator?
(The door won't shut!)

How do you know if there's a elephant in your refrigerator?
(Look for footprints in the pizza!)

How do you raise a baby elephant?
(With a fork lift!)

Why are elephants so wrinkled?
(They take too long to iron!)

What is gray and blue and very big?
(An elephant holding it's breath!)

What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch?
(Time to get a new watch!)

Why did the elephant wear green sneakers?
(Her red ones were in the wash!)

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?
(The police made him bring it back!)

Why do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
(Stuck!)

Fish and Other Ocean Animal Jokes:
What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
(You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!)

What do you get when you cross a shark and a snowman?
(Frostbite!)

What did the fish say when he swam into the concrete wall?
(Dam!)

Which part of a fish weighs the most?
(The scales!)

What's the most musical part of a fish?
(The scales!)

Which fish is the most famous?
(The star fish!)

How do you confuse a fish?
(Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!)

Where do fish keep their money?
(In a river-bank!)

Why did the shark spit out the clown?
(Because he tasted funny!)

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?

What do you call a fish without an eye?
(fsh!)

How do oysters call their friends?
(On shell phones!)

Why don't oysters share their pearls?
(Because they're shellfish!)

What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow?
(An animal that can milk itself!)

What's that gooey stuff in between a shark's teeth?
(Slow swimmers!)

What is the strongest creature in the sea?
(A mussel!)

Where do fish sleep?
(On a seabed!)

What do fish and maps have in common?
(They both have scales!)

Frog Jokes:
What happens when a frog parks in a no-parking space?
(It gets toad away!)

What is a frog's favorite exercise?
(Jumping Jacks!)

What do you get when you cross a frog and a bunny?
(A ribbit!)

Why are frogs so happy?
(Because they eat what bugs them!)

What did one frog say to the other?
(Time's sure fun when you're having flies!)

What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
(A croaker spaniel!)

Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
(In the croakroom!)

What do you call a frog with no hind legs?
(Unhoppy!)

What do frogs wear on their feet?
(Open toad shoes!)

Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
(Because they're already wearing green!)

When is a car like a frog?
(When it's being toad!)

What do you say if you meet a toad?
(Wart's new!)

Where do you get frogs' eggs?
(At the spawn shop!)

What do you say to a frog who needs a ride?
(Hop in!)

What does a frog say when it washes a window?
(Rub it, rub it, rub it!)

What do you get when you cross a frog and a popsicle?
(A hopsicle!)

Why couldn't the snake talk?
(It had a frog in his throat!)

What is a frog's favorite year?
(Leap year!)

What is a frog's favorite game?
(Leapfrog!)

What is a frog's favorite game?
(Croak-et!)

What is a frog's favorite flower?
(Croak-us!)

What is a frog's favorite cold drink?
(Croak-a-cola!)

What is a frog's favorite hot drink?
(Hot croak-o!)

What is a frog's favorite music?
(Hip hop!)

How did the toad die?
(It croaked!)

How did the toad die?
(It Kermited suicide!)

How deep is a frog pond?
(Kneedeep, kneedeep!)

What's the world's weakest animal?
(A toad, she croaks if you even touch her!)

Why do frogs have webbed feet?
(To stamp out forest fires!)

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?
(Lily!)

What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
(Morse toad!)

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
(A Unhoppy!)

Horse Jokes:
What type of horses only go out at night?
(Nightmares!)

What did the pony say when it had a sore throat?
(I'm a little hoarse!)

Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
(He thought he might get a kick out of it!)

How long should a racehorse's legs be?
(Long enough to reach the ground!)

What type of horse can jump higher than a house?
(All of them. Houses can't jump!)

What do you give a sick horse?
(Cough stirrup!)

Why did the farmer ride his horse to town?
(It was too heavy to carry!)

When does a horse talk?
(Whinny wants to!)

What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
(One is reined up and the other rains down!)

What sickness do horses hate the most?
(Hay fever!)

What do you call a horse that lives next door?
(A neigh-bor!)

What does it mean if you find a horseshoe in the road?
(Some poor horse is walking around in his socks!)

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony!
Doctor: Don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

Monkey and Gorilla Jokes:
What kind of a key opens a banana?
(A monkey!)

Why did the monkey like the banana?
(Because it had appeal!)

What did the banana say to the monkey?
(Nothing, bananas can't talk!)

What do monkeys do for laughs?
(They tell jokes about people!)

What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
(Anything you want, it can't hear you!)

What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
(It won't be long now.)

Where should a monkey go when he loses his tail?
(To a retailer!)

Why don't monkeys play cards in the jungle?
(There are too many cheetahs there!)

Why did the giant ape climbe up the side of the skyscraper?
(The elevator was broken!)

Where do chimps get their gossip?
(On the ape vine!)

What key won't open any door?
(A monkey!)

How do you catch a monkey?
(Climb a tree and act like a banana!)

How do monkeys get down the stairs?
(They slide down the banana-ster!)

Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
(Anywhere it wants!)

What do you call a 2,000 pound gorilla?
(Sir!)

Jake: I taught my monkey to play chess.
Amy: She must be very smart.
Jake: Not really, I beat her two games out of three!

Mouse Jokes:
What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
(Stalagmice!)

What does a twenty-pound mouse say to a cat?
(Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty!)

What has 12 legs, six eyes, three tails, and can't see?
(Three blind mice!)

What did the cat have for breakfast?
(Mice Crispies!)

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
(Mouse code!)

What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside?
(A mouse sandwich!)

When is it very bad luck to see a black cat?
(When you're a mouse!)

Where do hamsters come from?
(Hamsterdam!)

Owl Jokes:
Someone said you sounded like an owl.
(Who?)

What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
(A growl)

Why did the owl say, "Tweet, tweet"?
(Because she didn't give a hoot!)

What is a baby owl after she's 6 days old?
(Seven days old)

What is an owl's favorite subject?
(Owl-gebra!)

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Are you an owl?

Parrot Jokes:
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
(A bird that talks your ear off!)

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
(A carrot!)

Which side of a parrot has the prettiest feathers?
(The outside!)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
(A carrot!)

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
(A walkie-talkie!)

Penguin Jokes:
Where do penguins go to dance?
(The snow ball!)

Where does a penguin keep its money?
(In a snow bank!)

Why did the penguin cross the road?
(To go with the floe!)

Where do penguins go to the movies?
(At the dive-in!)

What's a penguin's favorite salad?
(Iceberg lettuce!)

What do penguins have for lunch?
(Icebergers!)

How does a penguin make pancakes?
(With its flippers!)

Who's the penguin's favorite Aunt?
(Aunt-Arctica!)

What do you get when you cross a penguin and an alligator?
(I don't know, but don't try to fix its bow tie!)

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
(Because they don't have any pockets!)

What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
(Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!)

What do penguins wear on their heads?
(Ice caps!)

What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?
(A penguin rolling down a hill!)

Why are penguins good race drivers?
(Because they're always in the pole position!)

What do penguins eat for lunch?
(Ice burg-ers!)

How does a penguin build its house?
(Igloos it together!)

How do penguins drink?
(Out of beak-ers!)

Who's the head of the penguin navy?
(Admiral Byrd!)

What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
(Really lost, because penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere!)

Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
(The outside!)

What's black, white and red all over?
(A penguin with a sunburn!)

Why don't you see penguins in Britain?
(Because they're afraid of Wales!)

Pig Jokes:
Why did the pig become an actor?
(Because he was a ham.)

What kind of pigs know karate?
(Pork chops!)

What kind of ties do pigs wear?
(Pigs-ties!)

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
(A teddy boar!)

Why did the pig take a bath?
(The farmer said, "Hogwash"!)

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
(Jurassic Pork)

What do you give a sick pig?
(Oink-ment!)

Rabbit Jokes:
What do you get when you cross a frog and a bunny?
(A ribbit!)

Why was the rabbit so upset?
(She was having a bad hare day!)

What do you call a dumb bunny?
(A hare brain!)

How can you tell which are the oldest rabbits?
(Just look for the gray hares!)

What kind of book does a rabbit like to read?
(One with a hoppy ending!)

What do you call a rabbit comedian?
(A funny bunny!)

What's the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
(Unique up on it!)

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
(Tame way, unique up on it!)

What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
(A receding hareline!)

Snake Jokes:
What is snake's favorite subject?
(Hiss-tory!)

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
(A pie-thon!)

What snakes are good at doing sums?
(Adders!)

Why are snakes hard to fool?
(You can't pull their leg!)

What snakes are found on cars?
(Windshield vipers!)

What are a snake's favorite magic spells?
(Abra-da-cobra and adder-ca-dabra!)

Why did the viper viper nose?
(Because she adder handkerchief!)

What's long, green and goes "hith"?
(A snake with a lisp!)

What is a snake's favorite dance?
(The mamba!)

Why couldn't the snake talk?
(It had a frog in his throat!)

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
(He couldn't afford plane fare!)

What do you call a snake with a great personality?
(A snake charmer!)

What do most people do when they see a python?
(They re-coil!)

What do you get if you cross a serpent and a trumpet?
(A snake in the brass!)

What do you give a sick snake?
(Asp-irin!)

What do you call a snake who works for the government?
(A civil serpent!)

Turkey Jokes:
What key won't open any door?
(A turkey!)

Why did the turkey cross the road?
(It was the chicken's day off!)

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
(It was stuck on the turkey's foot!)

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
(To prove he wasn't chicken!)

What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn?
(An eggroll!)

Where do you find a turkey with no legs?
(Exactly where you left it!)

What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
(Foul weather!)

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
(To hatchet!)

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
(They suspected it of fowl play!)

Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?
(The outside!)

Why do turkeys lay eggs?
(If they dropped them, they'd break!)

What's the most musical part of a turkey?
(The drumstick!)

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
(A poul-tree!)

Daughter: Mum, can I have a canary for Christmas?
Mum: NO! You'll have turkey like everyone else.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
(He got the stuffing knocked out of him!)

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
(The turkey!)

Miscellaneous Animal Jokes:
What do you call a camel with no humps?
(Hump-free/Humphrey!)

What do you call a crying Camel?
(A humpback wail!)

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went away on a trip?
(Bi-son!)

What is a sheep's favorite game?
(Baa-dminton!)

What animal is best at baseball?
(A bat!)

Which circus performers can see in the dark?
(The acro-bats!)

Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
(Because they're full of ant-ibodies!)

Why don't bats live alone?
(They like to hang out with their friends!)

What animals are on legal documents?
(Seals!)

How do you close a letter under the sea?
(With a seal!)

What's a good job for an octopus?
(The army!)

How do two snails fight?
(They slug it out!)

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
(Finding half a worm in your apple!)

Where did the turtle get a new shell?
(From the hard-wear store!)

How many skunks does it take to stink up a house?
(A phew!)

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?
(Odor in the court!)

If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
(Slippers!)

What do you call an alligator detective?
(An investi-gator!)

Where do hamsters come from?
(Hamsterdam!)

What is out of bounds?
(A tired kangaroo!)

What animal is good at cricket?
(A bat!)

Why do dragons sleep during the day?
(So they can fight knights!)

Body Jokes:
What's the most musical bone?
(The trom-bone!)

What makes music on your hair?
(A head band!)

What's the best thing to put in a pie?
(Your teeth!)

What did the skeleton order for dinner?
(Spare ribs!)

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
(It didn't have the guts!)

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
(Lazy bones!)

How do you make a skeleton laugh?
(Tickle her funny bone!)

What do you call a fossil that doesn't ever want to work?
(Lazy bones!)

What smells the best at dinner?
(Your nose!)

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
(Because it is the scenter!)

How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
(Unhoppy!)

What has no fingers, but many rings?
(A tree!)

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
(Do-ya-think-he-saw-us!)

What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
(A rookie!)

Did you pick your nose?
(No, I was born with it!)

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
(A gummy bear!)

What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?
(Go for the juggler/jugular!)

What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner?
(They gave her the cold shoulder!)

What kind of flower grows on your face?
(Tulips!)

What do you call a frog with no legs?
(Unhoppy!)

What has eight legs and eight eyes?
(Eight pirates!)

What kind of hair do oceans have?
(Wavy!)

What has a bottom at the top?
(Your legs!)

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
(Something between us smells!)

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
(Because then it would be a foot!)

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?
(To get to the second-hand shop!)

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
(Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!)

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
(I have my eye on you!)

What do you call a fish without an eye?
(fsh!)

What has one eye but cannot see?
(A needle!)

Why did the clown wear loud socks!
(So his feet wouldn't fall asleep!)

Why couldn't the snake talk?
(He had a frog in his throat!)

Why are snakes hard to fool?
(You can't pull their leg!)

Why did the viper viper nose?
(Because she adder handkerchief!)

What do ghosts use to clean their hair?
(Sham-boo!)

What has a hundred heads and a hundred tails?
(One hundred pennies!)

Why don't you wear a cardboard belt?
(That would be a waist of paper!)

I don't think I need a spine. It's holding me back!

Clown Jokes:
Why did the clown go to the doctor?
(Because he was feeling a little funny!)

Why did the clown throw his clock out of the window?
He wanted to see time fly!)

What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?
(Go for the juggler/jugular!)

Why did the clown wear loud socks!
(So his feet wouldn't fall asleep!)

I'd like to take over the clown's job!
(Those are big shoes to fill!)

Why was the clown sad?
(She broke her funny bone!)

Why don't cannibals eat clowns
(Because they taste funny!)

Why did the clown cross the road?
(To get his rubber chicken!)

What happened when the lion ate the clown?
(He felt funny!)

Why material do you use to make a clown outfit?
(Poly-jester!)

What is the pink goo between an elephant's toes?
(Slow clowns!)

Color Jokes:
What's black and white and red all over?
(A newspaper!)

What happens when you throw a white hat into the Black Sea?
(It gets wet!)

What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?
(A penguin rolling down a hill!)

What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?
(A zebra caught in a revolving door!)

What's black and white, black and white, and black and white?
(A panda bear rolling down a hill!)

What is black and white and red all over?
(A panda bear with a sunburn!)

When is a black dog not a black dog?
(When it's a grey-hound!)

Why did the tomato turn red?
(Because it saw the salad dressing!)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
(A carrot!)

What happened when a red ship crashed into a blue ship?
(The crew was marooned!)

Patient: I swallowed a lot of food coloring.
Doctor: You'll be okay.
Patient: But I feel like I've dyed a little inside!

What bird is always sad?
(The blue jay!)

What do you do when you find a blue elephant?
(Cheer her up!)

What is gray and blue and very big?
(An elephant holding its breath!)

What color is a ghost?
(Boo!)

What's green and smells like blue paint?
(Green paint!)

What do you do with a green monster?
(Wait until she's ripe!)

What is a cat's favorite color?
(Purr-ple!)

What color is a burp?
(Burple!)

What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?
(An umbrellaphant!)

What would you call the USA if everyone had a pink car?
(A pink carnation!)

What is a cheerleader's favorite color?
(Yeller!)

What color socks do bears wear?
(They don't wear socks, they have bear feet!)

Doctor Jokes:
Why did the house go to the doctor?
(Because it had a window pane/pain!)

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
(Two thirty/hurty!)

What does a dentist call his X-rays?
(Tooth-pics!)

What does a sick lemon need?
(Lemon aid!)

Why did the clown go to the doctor?
(Because he was feeling a little funny!)

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
(Because it wasn't peeling well!)

Patient: I think I'm a pair of curtains!
Doctor: Pull yourself together!

Patient: I feel like a pack of cards!
Doctor: I'll deal with you later!

Patient: I think I'm a needle!
Doctor: Yes, I can see your point!

What's white, furry, and shaped like a tooth?
(A molar bear!)

What does a doctor give an elephant who's going to be sick?
(Plenty of room!)

What do you call a diseased criminal?
(A leper-con!)

Why didn't the girl tell the doctor that she ate some glue?
(Her lips were sealed!)

Why did the bee go to the doctor?
(Because she had hives!)

What do you give a sick bird?
(Tweet-ment)

What do you give a sick pig?
(Oink-ment)

What did the doctor give the sick snake?
(Asp-irin!)

How does a frog feel when she has a broken leg?
(Unhoppy!)

Where do ghosts go when they're sick?
(To the witch doctor!)

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience!

Patient: I swallowed a lot of food coloring.
Doctor: You'll be okay.
Patient: But I feel like I've dyed a little inside!

Patient: I feel like everyone is ignoring me.
Doctor: Next!

Patient: I think I'm losing my memory.
Doctor: When did it start?
Patient: When did what start?

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pony!
Doctor: Don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses!
Waiter: You certainly do, this is a restaurant!

Food Jokes:
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
(Where's pop?)

What did the nut say when it sneezed?
(Cashew!)

Why did the cabbage win the race?
(Because it was ahead!)

Why was the cucumber mad?
(Because it was in a pickle!)

What bird is with you at every meal?
(A swallow!)

Why do monkeys like to eat bananas?
(Because they have appeal!)

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
(Because it wasn't peeling well!)

How do you catch a monkey?
(Climb a tree and act like a banana!)

What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
(A slipper!)

What does a mixed-up hen lay?
(Scrambled eggs!)

What does an evil hen lay?
(Deviled eggs!)

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
(An eggroll!)

What did the skeleton order for dinner?
(Spare ribs!)

What do ghosts eat on Halloween?
(Ghoulash!)

What do you get from a pampered cow?
(Spoiled milk!)

What do you call a cow with two legs?
(Lean beef!)

What do you call a cow with no legs?
(Ground beef!)

What cheese is made backwards?
(Edam!)

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
(Fish and ships!)

How do chickens bake a cake?
(From scratch!)

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
(A gummy bear!)

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from?
(A poul-tree!)

Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?
(She was bored with the hole business!)

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
(Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels!)

What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door?
("Close the door, I'm dressing!")

Why did the tomato turn red?
(Because it saw the salad dressing!)

Where do tough chickens come from?
(Hard-boiled eggs!)

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted/assaulted.

What did the angry customer at the Italian restaurant give the chef?
(A pizza of his mind!)

Why did the pig become an actor?
(Because he was a ham!)

What did the burger name her daughter?
(Patty!)

CUSTOMER: "Do you have spaghetti on the menu today?"
WAITER: "No, I cleaned it off."

How do you fix a broken tomato?
(With tomato paste!)

Why couldn't the teddy bear eat his lunch?
(Because he was stuffed!)

Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? (Because they don't know how to cook!)

How do you make a dinosaur float? (Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!)

What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth? (A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!)

Which is the left side of a pie?
The side that is not eaten!)

Why did the apple go out with a fig?
(It couldn't find a date!)

What do little monsters eat?
(Alpha-bat soup!)

What should you take on a trip to the desert?
(A thirst-aid kit!)

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses!
Waiter: You certainly do, this is a restaurant!

What kind of vegetable would you like tonight?
(Beets me!)

What do polar bears eat for lunch?
(Ice berg-ers!)

What's the best thing to put in a pie?
(Your teeth!)

Waiter, will my pizza be long?
(No sir, it will be round!)

What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner?
(They gave her the cold shoulder!)

Did you like the restaurant on the moon?
(No, it has no atmosphere!)

Why can't you starve to death on a beach?
(Because of the sand which is there!)

What's an elephant's favorite vegetable?
(Squash!)

What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie?
(A pie-thon!)

What do you get when you cross a frog and a popsicle?
(A hopsicle!)

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
(A yam session!)

What is a cheerleader's favorite drink?
(Root beer!)

What do you call cheese that's not yours?
(Nacho cheese!)

Why do you get if you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
(A hot-diggity-dog!)

This food tastes kind of funny.
(Then why aren't you laughing?)

What do you give to a sick lemon?
(Lemon aid!)

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
(Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!)

What's the worst thing you're likely to find in the school cafeteria?
(The food!)

What kind of plates do they use in space?
(Flying saucers!)

Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow?
(It always went back four seconds!)

What vegetables do librarians like?
(Quiet peas!)

What did the computer do at lunchtime?
(It had a byte!)

What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
(Anything you want, it can't hear you!)

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?
(Straw-berries!)

What do witches put on their bagels?
(Scream cheese!)

What do snowmen like to eat for breakfast?
(Frosted Flakes!)

Why did Superman cross the road?
(To get to the supermarket!)

What day do potatoes hate the most?
(Fry-day!)

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
(Because it was feeling crummy!)

Why was the cookie sad?
(Because her mom was a-wafer so long!)

What was the most popular candy on the Titanic?
(A life saver!)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
(A carrot!)

What did a pirate pay for his corn?
(A buccaneer!)

What did the mamma tomato say to the baby tomato?
(Catch up!)

What do you call 150 strawberries bunched together?
(A strawberry jam!)

Why was the strawberry sad?
(Because her mom was in a jam!)

Why did the kid throw the butter out the window?
(To see the butter fly!)

What do ghosts like for dessert?
(I scream!)

What is a math teacher's favorite dessert?
(Pi!)

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
(Pumpkin pi!)

What's the worst vegetable to serve on a boat?
(Leeks!)

What's a penguin's favorite salad?
(Iceberg lettuce!)

How does a penguin make pancakes?
(With its flippers!)

What do dogs eat at the movies?
(Pup-corn!)

What is a dog's favorite dessert?
(Pup-cakes!)

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
(Finding half a worm in your apple!)

When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?
(When it's a French fry!)

What is a frog's favorite cold drink?
(Croak-a-cola!)

What is a frog's favorite hot drink?
(Hot croak-o!)

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut ask, it's a secret.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes me, who are you?

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I knew you were a nut!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I'm here?

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for lunch.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, we're freezing.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive right next to you.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you.

Halloween Jokes:
Why didn't the mummy have any friends?
(Because he was wrapped up in himself!)

What road has the most ghosts haunting it?
(A dead end!)

Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
(Because people are dying to get in!)

What do ghosts eat on Halloween?
(Ghoulash!)

Where do ghosts go when they're sick?
(To the witch doctor!)

What position does a ghost play in soccer?
(Ghoulie!)

What are a ghost's favorite pants?
(Boo jeans!)

What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
(Prank-enstein!)

What room is useless for a ghost?
(A living room!)

What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
(Fish and ships!)

What did the skeleton order for dinner?
(Spare ribs!)

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
(Lazy bones!)

What's a monster's favorite place to swim?
(Lake Eerie!)

How do you make a skeleton laugh?
(Tickle her funny bone!)

Where should a 500 pound monster go?
(On a diet!)

Why did the vampire get thrown out of the haunted house?
(Because he was a pain in the neck!)

What did Dracula say about his girlfriend?
(It was love at first bite!)

Why did the vampire flunk art class?
(Because he could only draw blood!)

What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire?
(A blood test!)

What's the problem with twin witches?
(You can't tell which witch is which!)

Why do witches fly on brooms?
(Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!)

What do you call witches who live together?
(Broom-mates!)

What do you do with a green monster?
(Wait until she's ripe!)

What do witches ask for at hotels?
(Broom service!)

What do little monsters eat?
(Alpha-bat soup!)

What do ghosts use to clean their hair?
(Sham-boo!)

Why didn't the zombie go to school?
(He felt rotten!)

Why did the cyclops stop teaching?
(Because he only had one pupil!)

Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
(Because there are so many plots there!)

Why are graveyards noisy?
(Because of all the coffin!)

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?
(Straw-berries!)

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
(Because he was out standing in his field!)

What do witches put on their bagels?
(Scream cheese!)

Why are vampires tough to get along with?
(Because they can be a pain in the neck!)

Do you know how to make a witch itch?
(You take away the w!)

Where does Dracula keep his money?
(In a blood bank!)

What subject in school is easy for a witch?
(Spell-ing!)

How does a witch tell time?
(With a witch watch!)

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
(Because he couldn't find any body to go with him!)

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
(No body!)

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
(Dayscare!)

What do ghosts like for dessert?
(I scream!)

What's a monster's favorite play?
(Romeo and Ghouliet!)

What do witches put on their hair?
(Scare spray!)

What's a haunted chicken?
(A poultry-geist!)

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?
(With a pumpkin patch!)

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
(Pumpkin pi!)

What breed of dog does Dracula have?
(A bloodhound!)

What's big, scary, and has three wheels?
(A monster riding a tricycle!)

Which witch is good when it's dark?
(A lights-witch!)

What's the best way to talk to a monster?
(From afar!)

What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns?
(Go for the juggler/jugular!)

What animal is best at baseball?
(A bat!)

Which circus performers can see in the dark?
(The acro-bats!)

Why don't bats live alone?
(They like to hang out with their friends!)

What animal is good at cricket?
(A bat!)

What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner?
(They gave her the cold shoulder!)

House Jokes:
What kind of plates do they use in space?
(Flying saucers!)

When is a door not a door?
(When it is ajar/a jar!)

Why did the woman run around her bed?
(She wanted to catch up on her sleep!)

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
(Because they forgot the words!)

Why did the house go to the doctor?
(Because it had a window pane/pain!)

What did the quilt say to the bed?
(I've got you covered!)

What gives you the power and strength to walk through walls?
(A door!)

What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
(You look flushed!)

How do you know if there's a dinosaur under your bed?
(Your nose hits the ceiling!)

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed?
(Find somewhere else to sleep!)

Did the dinosaur take a bath?
(Why, is there one missing?)

How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
(Down in the mouth!)

How does a penguin build its house?
(Igloos it together!)

What is Irish and left out on the lawn all summer?
(Paddy O'Furniture!)

What room is useless for a ghost?
(A living room!)

What does a frog say when it washes a window?
(Rub it, rub it, rub it!)

What gets wetter the more it dries?
(A towel!)

What room has no walls?
(A mushroom!)

What did one wall say to the other wall?
(I'll meet you at the corner!)

Mother: "Did you take a bath?"
Little boy: "Why, is one missing?"

What goes up when the rain comes down?
(An umbrella!)

Why do witches fly on brooms?
(Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!)

How do you know if there's a dinosaur in your refrigerator?
(Look for footprints in the pizza!)

Did the dinosaur take a bath?
(Why, is there one missing?!)

When can three giant dinosaurs get under an umbrella and not get wet?
(When it's not raining!)

Why was the broom late?
(It over swept!)

How do you warm up a room after it's been painted?
(Give it a second coat!)

Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house?
(Any kind! A house can't jump!)

How many skunks does it take to stink up a house?
(A phew!)

How do teddy bears keep their house cool in summer?
(They use bear conditioning!)

Did you hear the joke about the corduroy pillow? Yes, it made headline!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Doris!
Doris who?
Doris locked, that's why I knocked.

Knock Knock Jokes:
Food and Eating

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Doughnut!
Doughnut who?
Doughnut ask, it's a secret.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Justin!
Justin who?
Justin time for lunch.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, we're freezing.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I knew you were a nut!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive right next to you.

Food and Eating

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I'm here?

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Dishe.s
Dishes who?
Dishes me, who are you?

Animals

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Are you an owl?

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cowsgo.
Cowsgo who?
No they don't, cowsgo moo.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupt...
Moo!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Kook!
Kook who?
Don't call me cuckoo!

Misc.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just me.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Abby!
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Tarzan!
Tarzan who?
Tarzan stripes forever.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Doris!
Doris who?
Doris locked, that's why I knocked.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Avenue!
Avenue who?
Avenue heard this joke before.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Canoe!
Canoe who?
Canoe come over and play.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Little old lady?
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn't know you could yodel!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Water?
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Leaf?
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Cargo!
Cargo who?
Car go "Beep beep"!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to keep telling silly jokes.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting pirate!
Interrup...
ARRRRRRRRRR!

Math Jokes:
Why was six afraid of seven?
(Because seven ate nine!)

Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
(Because it improves di-vison!)

TEACHER: "What are 12 and 14?".
STUDENT: "Numbers"

What geometric figure is like a lost parrot?
(A polygon!)

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
(Pumpkin pi!)

What does the zero say to the the eight?
(Nice belt!)

There are 10 types of mathematicians. Those who know binary and those who don't.

What was T. rex's favorite number?
(Eight!)

What snakes are good at doing sums?
(Adders!)

Why did the two 4's skip lunch?
(They already 8!)

A woman has seven daughters, and each daughter has a brother. How many children does the woman have all together?
(She has eight children!)

Do you know a statistics joke?
(Probably, but it's mean!)

Why was the math book sad?
(Because it had too many problems!)

What kind of meals do math teachers eat?
(Square meals!)

What did the tree say to the math teacher?
(Gee,-I'm-a-tree!)

Why did the student do multiplication problems on the floor?
(The teacher told her not to use tables!)

If you had 8 apples in one hand and 5 apples in the other, what would you have?
(Really big hands!)

What is a mathematician's favorite dessert?
(Pi!)

How can you make seven even?
(Take away the "s"!)

What has eight legs and eight eyes?
(Eight pirates!)

TEACHER: "What's 2n plus 2n?"
STUDENT: "I don't know, it's 4n to me!"

He said she was average because he was mean.

Money Jokes:
Where does Dracula keep his money?
(In a blood bank!)

Where does a penguin keep its money?
(In a snow bank!)

Where do fish keep their money?
(In a river-bank!)

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
(With Tyrannosaurus checks!)

Where can you always find money?
(In the dictionary!)

Bob: I wish I had enough money to buy a dinosaur.
Donald: What would you do with a dinosaur?
Bob: Who wants a dinosaur? I just want the money!

When does it rain money?
(When there's change in the weather!)

Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
(He wanted to make a clean getaway!)

What did the duck say after he went shopping?
(Put it on my bill!)

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
(Give me my quarterback/quarter back!)

What has a hundred heads and a hundred tails?
(One hundred pennies!)

Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
(Because she expected some change in the weather!)

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
(Because they're always a little short!)

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I knew you were a nut!

Music Jokes:
What's yellow, weighs 1,000 pounds, and sings?
(Two 500 pound canaries!)

Why do hummingbirds hum?
(Because they forgot the words!)

Why is a piano so hard to open?
(Because the keys are on the inside!)

What's the most musical bone?
(The trom-bone!)

What makes music on your hair?
(A head band!)

Why was the musician arrested?
(Because she got in treble!)

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
(In the piano!)

What's green and sings?
(Elvis Parsley!)

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
(Because they forgot the words!)

Why is slippery ice like music?
(If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!)

Why was the result when a piano fell down a mine shaft?
(A-flat minor!)

Why are pirates great singers?
(They can hit the high C's!)

What rock group has four guys who don't sing?
(Mount Rushmore!)

What do you get if you cross a serpent and a trumpet?
(A snake in the brass!)

What was stolen from the music store?
(The lute!)

How do you make a band stand?
(Take their chairs away!)

What do little penguins sing when their father brings fish home for dinner?
(Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow!)

What type of music are balloons scared of?
(Pop music!)

What's the most musical part of a turkey?
(The drumstick!)

What's the most musical part of a fish?
(The scales!)

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?
(You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!)

What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?
(A Moo-sician!)

Why did the singer climb a ladder?
(She wanted to reach the high notes!)

What type of songs do the planets sing?
(Nep-tunes!)

What is a cat's favorite song?
(Three Blind Mice!)

What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
(A bear-faced lyre!)

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
(A yam session!)

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Little old lady?
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn't know you could yodel!

Pirate Jokes:
Why are pirates called pirates?
(They just arrrrrgh!)

How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?
(A buccaneer!)

How much did the pirate pay for his hook and peg leg?
(An arm and a leg!)

Why can't you take a picture of a pirate with a wooden leg?
(Because a wooden leg doesn't take pictures!)

What is a pirate's favorite subject?
(Arrrrrrt!)

What is a pirate's favorite country?
(Arrrrrrgentina!)

What are pirates afraid of?
(The darrrrrk!)

Why did the pirate go on vacation?
(For arrrrrgh and arrrrrgh!)

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
(Because they spend years at C!)

What grades did the pirate get in school?
(High C's!)

What do you call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
(A rookie!)

Why didn't the pirate's phone work?
(Because he left it off the hook!)

Why are pirates great singers?
(They can hit the high C's!)

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
(Because he was standing on the deck!)

What do you call a pirate that skips class?
Captain Hooky!)

What did a pirate pay for his corn?
(A buccaneer!)

Why didn't the pirate go to the movies?
(Because it was arrrrrrgh rated!)

What kind of socks does a pirate wear?
(Arrrrrgyle!)

Why didn't the pirate get hungry on the desert island?
Because of the sand-which is there!

What has eight legs and eight eyes?
(Eight pirates!)

Why are pirates so mean?
(They just arrrrrgh!)

What does a dyslexic pirate say?
(Raaaaaaa!)

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting pirate!
Interrup...
ARRRRRRRRRR!

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
(A bird that talks your ear off!)

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
(A carrot!)

Which side of a parrot has the prettiest feathers?
(The outside!)

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
(A carrot!)

What do you get if you cross a centipede and a parrot?
(A walkie-talkie!)

Plant Jokes:
Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
(Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!)

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from?
(A poul-tree!)

What did the tree say to the math teacher?
(Gee, I'm a tree!)

What's an elephant's favorite vegetable?
(Squash!)

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
(Where's pop?)

What did the nut say when it sneezed?
(Cashew!)

Why did the cabbage win the race?
(Because it was ahead!)

Why did the tomato turn red?
(Because it saw the salad dressing!)

What do you give to a sick lemon?
(Lemon aid!)

What did the big flower say to the small flower?
(What's up, bud?)

How do trees get on the Internet?
(They log in!)

What is a frog's favorite flower?
(Croak-us!)

What do cartographers give their sweethearts on Valentine's Day?
(Compass roses!)

Why do frogs have webbed feet?
(To stamp out forest fires!)

What kind of flower grows on your face?
(Tulips!)

What do you get when you plant kisses?
(Tulips!)

What has no fingers, but many rings?
(A tree!)

What kind of tree can fit into your hand?
(A palm tree!)

Why was the cucumber mad?
(Because it was in a pickle!)

Why did the gardener plant light bulbs?
(She wanted to grow a power plant!)

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
(Pilgrims!)

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties?
(Because he's a fungi!)

Why is a tree like a big dog?
(They both have lot of bark!)

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
(Real rocks are too heavy!)

Why can't you iron a four-leaf clover?
(Because you shouldn't press your luck!)

What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?
(Lily!)

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Leaf?
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone!

School Jokes:
Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
(Because her students were bright!)

Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
(She couldn't control her pupils!)

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
(In the piano!)

What did the tree say to the math teacher?
(Gee, I'm a tree!)

What did the pen say to the pencil?
(What's your point?!)

How do you get straight A's?
(Use a ruler!)

Why did the kid study in the airplane?
(He wanted a higher education!)

What did you learn in school today?
(Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!)

What's the king of the classroom?
(The ruler!)

What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?
(Bookworms!)

Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow?
(It always went back four seconds!)

What vegetables do librarians like?
(Quiet peas!)

What subject in school is easy for a witch?
(Spell-ing!)

What did the computer do at lunchtime?
(It had a byte!)

What is snake's favorite subject?
(Hiss-tory!)

What is a pirate's favorite subject?
(Arrrrrrt!)

What do you call a pirate that skips class?
Captain Hooky!)

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
(Because they spend years at C!)

What grades did the pirate get in school?
(High C's!)

Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends, but that would be pointless.

What did the paper say to the pencil?
(Write on!)

How do bees get to school?
(By school buzz!)

What's better than a talking dinosaur? (A spelling bee!)

Which hand is it better to write with?
(Neither, you should use a pen!)

Why didn't the sun go to college?
(Because it already had a million degrees!)

What is the smartest state?
(Alabama, it has four A's and one B!)

What animal cheats at exams?
(The cheetah!)

Why was the math book sad?
(Because it had too many problems!)

What kind of meals do math teachers eat?
(Square meals!)

Why did the student do multiplication problems on the floor?
(The teacher told her not to use tables!)

Why did the teacher write on the window?
(To make the lesson very clear!)

What do you do if a teacher rolls her eyes at you?
(Pick them up and roll them back to her!)

Why did the teacher turn the lights on?
(Because her class was so dim!)

What building has the most stories?
(The library!)

What is a math teacher's favorite dessert?
(Pi!)

Why did the cyclops stop teaching?
(Because he only had one pupil!)

What is an owl's favorite subject?
(Owl-gebra!)

Why didn't the zombie go to school?
(He felt rotten!)

What do you get when you throw a million books into the ocean?
(A title wave!)

Why did the girl wear glasses during math class?
(Because it improves di-vison!)

Space and Astronomy Jokes:
What did Mars say to Saturn?
(Give me a ring sometime!)

What type of songs do the planets sing?
(Nep-tunes!)

What do you call an alien with three eyes?
(An aliiien!!

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
(You rocket!)

Have you heard about the cow astronaut?
(He landed on the mooooooon!)

When is the moon the heaviest?
(When it's full!)

How does the man-in-the-moon cut his hair?
(Eclipse it!)

Why didn't the sun go to college?
(Because it already had a million degrees!)

What kind of plates do they use in space?
(Flying saucers!)

Where do astronauts keep their sandwiches?
(In a launch box!)

What do you get if you cross Santa Claus with a space ship?
(A u-f-ho-ho-ho!)

How do you organize a space party?
(You planet!)

Sports:
What lights up a soccer stadium?
(A soccer match!)

What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
(Give me my quarterback/quarter back!)

Two silk worms were in a race. Who won?
(It was a tie!)

What do you do when you see an elephant with a basketball?
(Get out of the way!)

Why didn't Cinderella make the basketball team?
(She ran away from the ball!)

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
(Alley cats!)

What has 18 legs and catches flies?
(A baseball team!)

Two waves had a race. Who won?
(They tide!)

Why did the golfer have an extra pair of pants?
(In case he got a hole in one!)

Why should bowling alleys be quiet?
(So you can hear a pin drop!)

What did the baseball glove say to the baseball?
(Catch you later!)

What is a cheerleader's favorite drink?
(Root beer!)

What position does a ghost play in soccer?
(Ghoulie!)

Whats a sheep's favorite game?
(Baa-dminton!)

What do you call it when a dinosaur makes a goal with a soccer ball?
(A dino-score!)

Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?
(They had just finished a March of 31 days!)

Why are penguins good race drivers?
(Because they're always in the pole position!)

What is a frog's favorite game?
(Leapfrog!)

What is a frog's favorite game?
(Croak-et!)

What is a frog's favorite exercise?
(Jumping Jacks!)

Do you go rock climbing?
(I would if I were boulder!)

What's big, scary, and has three wheels?
(A monster riding a tricycle!)

When is a baby good at basketball?
(When it's dribbling!)

What do you call a pig who plays basketball?
(A ball hog!)

How is a baseball team similar to a pancake?
(They both need a good batter!)

What's a golfer's favorite letter?
(Tee!)

What animal is best at hitting a baseball?
(A bat!)

What is harder to catch the faster you run?
(Your breath!)

Why is tennis such a loud sport?
(The players raise a racquet!)

What type of lightning likes to play sports?
(Ball lightning!)

What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo?
(A Bronco-saurus!)

What is an insect's favorite sport?
(Cricket!)

What is a cheerleaders favorite color?
(Yeller!)

What is the hardest part about skydiving?
(The ground!)

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels?
(A Stegosaurus on roller skates!)

What do you call it when a dinosaur slides in to home plate?
(A dinoscore!)

What has 18 legs and catches flies?
(A baseball team!)

No matter how cold you get, never build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too!)

What animal is good at cricket?
(A bat!)

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Canoe!
Canoe who?
Canoe come over and play.

St. Patrick's Day Jokes:
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
(Real rocks are too heavy!)

Why can't you iron a four-leaf clover?
(Because you shouldn't press your luck!)

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
(A sham-rock!)

What type of bow cannot be tied?
(A rain-bow!)

Where can you always find gold?
(In the dictionary!)

Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
(Because they're already wearing green!)

Why did the elephant wear green sneakers?
(Her red ones were in the wash!)

What did the leprechaun do for a living?
(He was a short-order cook!)

How can you tell if a leprechaun is having a good time?
(He is Dublin over with laughter!)

What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
(He gets wet!)

What is Irish and left out on the lawn all summer?
(Paddy O'Furniture!)

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
(He couldn't afford plane fare!)

When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato?
(When it's a French fry!)

What do you call a diseased criminal?
(A leper-con!)

Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
(Because they're always a little short!)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish Who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day.

Thanksgiving Jokes:
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
(Because he was out standing in his field!)

What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit?
(Straw-berries!)

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
(Pilgrims!)

What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
(Your nose!)

What always comes at the beginning of parades?
(The letter "p"!)

What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
(A har-vest!)

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
(Their age!)

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
(Pumpkin pi!)

What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
(The letter "g"!)

What key won't open any door?
(A turkey!)

Why did the turkey cross the road?
(It was the chicken's day off!)

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
(It was stuck on the turkey's foot!)

Why did the turkey cross the road twice?
(To prove he wasn't chicken!)

What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn?
(An eggroll!)

Where do you find a turkey with no legs?
(Exactly where you left it!)

What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
(Foul weather!)

Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
(To hatchet!)

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
(They suspected it of fowl play!)

Which side of a turkey has the most feathers?
(The outside!)

Why do turkeys lay eggs?
(If they dropped them, they'd break!)

What's the most musical part of a turkey?
(The drumstick!)

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
(A poul-tree!)

Daughter: Mum, can I have a canary for Christmas?
Mum: NO! You'll have turkey like everyone else.

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
(He got the stuffing knocked out of him!)

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
(The turkey!)

Time and Calendar Jokes:
What time is it when 10 elephants are chasing you?
(Ten to one!)

What time is it when you find an elephant in your car?
(Time to get a new car!)

What does a clock do when it's hungry?
(It goes back for/four seconds!)

Why did the girl sit on a clock?
(To be on time!)

Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow?
(It always went back four seconds!)

Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?
(They had just finished a March of 31 days!)

What is a frog's favorite year?
(Leap year!)

Why are Saturday and Sunday the strongest days?
(Because all the others are weak-days!)

What animal keeps the best time?
(A watch dog!)

What is the shortest month?
(May, because it has only 3 letters!)

How many months have 28 days?
(All of them!)

How does a witch tell time?
(With a witch watch!)

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

When does a clock strike thirteen?
(When it's broken!)

What day do potatoes hate the most?
(Fry-day!)

What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch?
(Time to get a new watch!)

What did the thief who stole a calendar get?
(Twelve months!)

USA Jokes:
Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell?
(Yes, it cracked me up!)

Why can't a woman living in the U.S. be buried in Canada?
(Because she's still alive!)

What did one US flag say to the other?
(Nothing, it just waved!)

What do you find in the middle of nowhere?
(The letter "h"!)

What is the smartest state?
(Alabama, it has four A's and one B!)

Why does the Mississippi river see so well?
(Because it has 4 eyes!)

What do you call the hippie's wife?
(Mississippi!)

What would you call the USA if everyone had a pink car?
(A pink carnation!)

What would you call the USA if everyone lived in their cars?
(An incarnation!)

What do you call doing 2,000 pounds of laundry?
(Washing-ton!)

What rock group has four guys who don't sing?
(Mount Rushmore!)

What did Delaware?
(I daho!)

Come on, what did Delaware?
(Al-aska!)

Well, what did Delaware?
(Her New Jersey!)

What is the capital of Washington?
(W!)

What is the capital of Alaska?
(Oh, Juneau this one!)

What happens when fog lifts in southern California?
(UCLA!)

What US state is round on the ends and high in the middle?
(Ohio!)

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
(Pilgrims!)

In what US state can you find tiny drinks?
(Mini-soda!)

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
(At the bottom!)

Vehicle Jokes:
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
(Want to go for a spin!)

What part of the car is the laziest?
(The wheels, because they are always tired!)

What would you call the USA if everyone had a pink car?
(A pink car-nation!)

What would you call the USA if everyone lived in their cars?
(An in-car-nation!)

What does a houseboat turn into when it grows up?
(A township!)

What made the dinosaur's car stop?
(A flat Tire-annosaurus!)

What only starts to work after it's fired?
(A rocket!)

What's the worst vegetable to serve on a boat?
(Leeks!)

How do trains hear?
(Through their engine-ears!)

What do you say to a frog who needs a ride?
(Hop in!)

When is a car like a frog?
(When it's being toad!)

What happens when a frog parks in a no-parking space?
(It gets toad away!)

How do fleas travel from place to place?
(By itch-hiking?)

What do you get if you cross a dog and an airplane?
(A jet setter!)

What has four wheels and flies?
(A garbage truck!)

What do you call a sleeping bull?
(A bull-dozer!)

Who earns a living by driving their customers away?
(A taxi driver!)

What's big, scary, and has three wheels?
(A monster riding a tricycle!)

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
(Hailing taxis!)

What happened when a red ship crashed into a blue ship?
(The crew was marooned!)

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
(Tyrannosaurus wrecks!)

What did the dinosaur say after the car crash?
(I'm-so-saurus!)

No matter how cold you get, never build a fire in a kayak! You can't have your kayak and heat it too!

Why do you need a license for a dog but not for a cat?
(Cats can't drive!)

What snakes are found on cars?
(Windshield vipers!)

What is the difference between a nicely-dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
(A tire!)

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Canoe!
Canoe who?
Canoe come over and play.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Cargo!
Cargo who?
Car go "Beep beep"!

Weather Jokes:
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
(Want to go for a spin!)

What's a tornado's favorite game?
(Twister!)

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
(You might step in a poodle!)

Is it raining cats and dogs?
(It's okay, as long as it doesn't rein-deer!)

What bow can't be tied?
(A rainbow!)

Why is it cold on Christmas?
(Because it's in Decembrrrr!)

What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
(You're shocking!)

What happens when fog lifts in southern California?
(UCLA!)

What type of lightning likes to play sports?
(Ball lightning!)

What do teddy bears do when it rains?
(They get wet!)

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
(I have my eye on you!)

What goes up when the rain comes down?
(An umbrella!)

When does it rain money?
(When there's change in the weather!)

What's the difference between a horse and the weather?
(One is reined up and the other rains down!)

Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
(Because she expected some change in the weather!)

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
(Foul weather!)

What does a cloud wear under her raincoat?
(Thunderwear!)

Why is Britain the wettest country?
(Because royalty has reigned there for years!)

What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
(A drizzly bear!)

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's freezing outside.

Miscellaneous Jokes:
When is a door not a door?
(When it is ajar/a jar!)

What building has the most stories?
(The library!)

What is black and white and red all over?
(The newspaper!)

What road has the most ghosts haunting it?
(A dead end!)

Why is there a gate around cemeteries?
(Because people are dying to get in!)

Why did the woman run around her bed?
(She wanted to catch up on her sleep!)

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
(Because they forgot the words!)

Why did the house go to the doctor?
(Because it had a window pane/pain!)

Why can't a woman living in the U.S. be buried in Canada?
(Because she's still alive!)

What did one campfire say to the other?
(Shall we go out tonight?)

What did the quilt say to the bed?
(I've got you covered!)

Why are movie stars always cool?
(Because they have so many fans!)

What is round and extremely violent?
(A vicious circle!)

What's the biggest problem with snow boots?
(They melt!)

What gets wetter the more it dries?
(A towel!)

Where can you find an ocean with no water?
(On a map!)

What did the ocean say to the beach?
(Nothing, it just waved!)

Why do you get if you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
(A hot-diggity-dog!)

What kind of hair do oceans have?
(Wavy!)

What washes up on very small beaches?
(Microwaves!)

What did one flag say to the other?
(Nothing, it just waved!)

Why did the clown go to the doctor?
(Because he was feeling a little funny!)

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
(Because they taste funny!)

Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends, but that would be pointless.

An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids are nothing to look at.

What's brown and sticky?
(A stick!)

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't return?
(A stick!)

He wondered why the boomerang kept getting bigger until it hit him.

She couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to her.

Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
(Because then it would be a foot!)

What happens when you throw a white hat into the Black Sea?
(It gets wet!)

What do prisoners use to call each other?
(Cellphones!)

What common 11-letter word is always spelled incorrectly?
(Incorrectly!)

What only starts to work after it's fired?
(A rocket!)

What do you find in the middle of nowhere?
(The letter "h"!)

What's at the end of everything?
(The letter "g"!)

What starts with a "p", ends with an "e" and has a million letters in it?
(The Post Office!)

What's green and sings?
(Elvis Parsley!)

What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
(You look flushed!)

What gives you the power and strength to walk through walls?
(A door!)

Why did Superman cross the road?
(To get to the supermarket!)

Why is it cold on Christmas?
(Because it's in Decembrrrr!)

What did one volcano say to the other volcano?
(I lava you!)

Where should a 500 pound monster go?
(On a diet!)

What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
(Fingernails!)

What happened when the magician got mad?
(She pulled her hare out!)

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the theater's floor?
(It was just a stage he was going through!)

What always comes at the beginning of parades?
(The letter "p"!)

What do snowmen like to eat for breakfast?
(Frosted Flakes!)

What do lawyers wear to court?
(Lawsuits!)

What did the inventor of the door-knocker win?
(The no-bell prize!)

Did you hear about the human cannonball?
(He got fired!)

What happened to the woman who fell into the upholstery machine?
(She's fully recovered!)

What do you do if a teenager rolls her eyes at you?
(Pick them up and roll them back to her!)

Two waves had a race. Who won?
(They tide!)

What room has no walls?
(A mushroom!)

What goes up but never comes down?
(Your age!)

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
(Because he was out standing in his field!)

Why did the farmer ride his horse to town?
(It was too heavy to carry!)

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the courtroom?
(Odor in the court!)

What happened when the lion ate the clown?
(He felt funny!)

What goes up and down but never moves?
(Stairs!)

Why did the picture go to jail?
(Because it was framed!)

Did you heard about the origami store?
(It folded!)

Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?
(They had just finished a March of 31 days!)

Why did the banker quit her job?
(She lost interest!)

What is the fastest country in the world?
(Russia!)

What is the coldest country in the world?
(Chili!)

What do you get when you throw a million books into the ocean?
(A title wave!)

What is the longest word?
(Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last letter!)

Why wasn't the girl sad when her flashlight battery died?
(Because she was de-lighted!)

A neutron walks into a diner and orderes lunch. How much will that be?"
The waiter said, "For you? No charge!"

A photon checked into a hotel and is asked if she needs any help with her luggage. "No, I'm travelling light."

Wanna hear a joke about potassium?
("K!") [Note: K is the symbol for potassium.]

Do you know any good jokes about sodium?
("Na!") [Note: Na is the symbol for sodium.]

What do you do with a dead chemist?
(Barium!)

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties?
(Because he's a fungi!)

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

What do you call a man at the top of a hill?
(Cliff!)

What's a great name for a lawyer?
(Sue!)

What do you call a man in a hole?
(Doug!)

What do you call a woman standing on a tennis court?
(Annette!)

What do you call a man lying on your doorstep?
(Matt!)

What do you call a man in the mailbox?
(Bill!)

What do you call a woman with one leg?
(Aileen!)

What kind of rocks are never found in the ocean?
(Dry ones!)

Why do fireman wear red suspenders?
(To keep their pants up!)

Why is Britain the wettest country?
(Because royalty has reigned there for years!)

What runs but never walks?
(Water!)

What should you take on a trip to the desert?
(A thirst-aid kit!)

What do you call the little rivers that flow into the Nile?
(Juve-Niles!)

What do fish and maps have in common?
(They both have scales!)

What do cartographers give their sweethearts on Valentine's Day?
(Compass roses!)

What has one eye but cannot see?
(A needle!)

How did the Vikings send secret messages?
(By Norse code!)

What happened when the short fortune-teller who escaped from prison?
(She was a small medium at large!)

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
(The heat was in-tents!)

Double negatives are a no-no!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just me.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Tarzan!
Tarzan who?
Tarzan stripes forever.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Abby!
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Avenue!
Avenue who?
Avenue heard this joke before.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Canoe!
Canoe who?
Canoe come over and play.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Little old lady?
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn't know you could yodel!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Water?
Water who?
Water way to answer the door!

Related Activities Involving Jokes and Riddles::


Do Math Problems, then Decode the Jokes and Riddles
Solve the simple math problems, then use the alphabet code to answer the riddles.

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