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Holiday Jokes and Riddles

Halloween Jokes:

Why didn't the mummy have any friends? (Because he was wrapped up in himself!) What road has the most ghosts haunting it? (A dead end!) Why is there a gate around cemeteries? (Because people are dying to get in!) What do ghosts eat on Halloween? (Ghoulash!) Where do ghosts go when they're sick? (To the witch doctor!) What position does a ghost play in soccer? (Ghoulie!) What are a ghost's favorite pants? (Boo jeans!) What monster plays tricks on Halloween? (Prank-enstein!) What room is useless for a ghost? (A living room!) What do sea monsters eat for lunch? (Fish and ships!) What did the skeleton order for dinner? (Spare ribs!) What do you call a skeleton who won't work? (Lazy bones!) What's a monster's favorite place to swim? (Lake Eerie!) How do you make a skeleton laugh? (Tickle her funny bone!) Where should a 500 pound monster go? (On a diet!) Why did the vampire get thrown out of the haunted house? (Because he was a pain in the neck!) What did Dracula say about his girlfriend? (It was love at first bite!) Why did the vampire flunk art class? (Because he could only draw blood!) What do you get when you cross a teacher and a vampire? (A blood test!) What's the problem with twin witches? (You can't tell which witch is which!) Why do witches fly on brooms? (Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy!) What do you call witches who live together? (Broom-mates!) What do you do with a green monster? (Wait until she's ripe!) What do witches ask for at hotels? (Broom service!) What do little monsters eat? (Alpha-bat soup!) What do ghosts use to clean their hair? (Sham-boo!) Why didn't the zombie go to school? (He felt rotten!) Why did the cyclops stop teaching? (Because he only had one pupil!) Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story? (Because there are so many plots there!)

Why are graveyards noisy? (Because of all the coffin!) What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit? (Straw-berries!) Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? (Because he was out standing in his field!) What do witches put on their bagels? (Scream cheese!) Why are vampires tough to get along with? (Because they can be a pain in the neck!) Do you know how to make a witch itch? (You take away the w!) Where does Dracula keep his money? (In a blood bank!) What subject in school is easy for a witch? (Spell-ing!) How does a witch tell time? (With a witch watch!) Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? (Because he couldn't find any body to go with him!) Who won the skeleton beauty contest? (No body!) Where do baby ghosts go during the day? (Dayscare!) What do ghosts like for dessert? (I scream!) What's a monster's favorite play? (Romeo and Ghouliet!) What do witches put on their hair? (Scare spray!) What's a haunted chicken? (A poultry-geist!) How do you fix a jack-o-lantern? (With a pumpkin patch!) What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? (Pumpkin pi!) What breed of dog does Dracula have? (A bloodhound!) What's big, scary, and has three wheels? (A monster riding a tricycle!) Which witch is good when it's dark? (A lights-witch!) What's the best way to talk to a monster? (From afar!) What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? (Go for the juggler/jugular!) What animal is best at baseball? (A bat!) Which circus performers can see in the dark? (The acro-bats!) Why don't bats live alone? (They like to hang out with their friends!) What animal is good at cricket? (A bat!) What happened to the cannibal who was late to dinner? (They gave her the cold shoulder!)

St. Patrick's Day Jokes:

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? (Real rocks are too heavy!) Why can't you iron a four-leaf clover? (Because you shouldn't press your luck!) What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? (A sham-rock!) What type of bow cannot be tied? (A rain-bow!) Where can you always find gold? (In the dictionary!) Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day? (Because they're already wearing green!) Why did the elephant wear green sneakers? (Her red ones were in the wash!) What did the leprechaun do for a living? (He was a short-order cook!) How can you tell if a leprechaun is having a good time? (He is Dublin over with laughter!)

What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river? (He gets wet!) What is Irish and left out on the lawn all summer? (Paddy O'Furniture!) Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland? (He couldn't afford plane fare!) When is an Irish potato not an Irish potato? (When it's a French fry!) What do you call a diseased criminal? (A leper-con!) Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? (Because they're always a little short!) Knock Knock Who's there? Irish! Irish Who? Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day.

Thanksgiving Jokes:

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? (Because he was out standing in his field!) What is a scarecrow's favorite fruit? (Straw-berries!) If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? (Pilgrims!) What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner? (Your nose!) What always comes at the beginning of parades? (The letter "p"!)

What should you wear to Thanksgiving dinner? (A har-vest!) If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? (Their age!) What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? (Pumpkin pi!) What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving? (The letter "g"!)

What key won't open any door? (A turkey!) Why did the turkey cross the road? (It was the chicken's day off!) Why did the chewing gum cross the road? (It was stuck on the turkey's foot!) Why did the turkey cross the road twice? (To prove he wasn't chicken!) What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on top of a barn? (An eggroll!) Where do you find a turkey with no legs? (Exactly where you left it!) What do you call it when it rains turkeys? (Foul weather!) Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? (To hatchet!)

Why did the police arrest the turkey? (They suspected it of fowl play!) Which side of a turkey has the most feathers? (The outside!) Why do turkeys lay eggs? (If they dropped them, they'd break!) What's the most musical part of a turkey? (The drumstick!) If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from? (A poul-tree!) Daughter: Mum, can I have a canary for Christmas? Mum: NO! You'll have turkey like everyone else. What happened when the turkey got into a fight? (He got the stuffing knocked out of him!) What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? (The turkey!)

Related Activities:

Holiday Theme Page Activities and worksheets about many holidays.

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